Two years ago I moved on-campus at my university in Maine for the fall semester. Somewhere in November it started getting cold. I remember sitting on a sofa in the small suite and thinking about how quickly things had changed again. I thought about how I had left Ohio a few months prior to that, changed schools, met new people; basically settling in a new environment. It was also a time where a lot of great things were happening from establishing good connections, securing a better job, and a more evolved relationship with my parents. My little heart was filled with so much gratitude as I thought about all of that. However, in that same instance of joy and happiness I felt a huge shift and fear took over. Before I knew it, one thought came up so loud: What if you lose it all?
My go-to quote has always been F.Scott Fitzgerald:
For what it’s worth…it’s never too late, or in my case too early, to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit. Start whenever you want. You can change or stay the same. There are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you’ve never felt before. I hope you meet people who have a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of, and if you find that you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start over again.
Truth is, what we see, hear, or experience in our lives shape us as individuals and it would be a lie if I didn’t say that seeing people come in and out of my life so much or myself moving lately so much hasn’t affected me in the process. Anytime I feel there’s a relationship or friendship that is about to be formed I think of two things: 1. How long it will last (Temporary or Permanent) 2. What if it doesn’t? It is such a terrible way of going through life but it seemed a smart way of investing my emotions.
The year of 2017 ended differently than it had started, a lot had changed whether on a personal, social, or financial level in my life. Certain events that I had not necessarily anticipated took place and frankly speaking I didn’t know I would survive. But I did. As some may say, I did not die.
I finally had an answer to my question coming in 2018: I will still have myself and my God (or the universe) if I lose it all. What I learnt was that it was never about me being scared of losing people or situations, it was all about me trusting myself a little bit more. Trusting that I would come on the other side stronger and really say to myself “I got this” no matter what. It was about me committing to myself before anyone else.
Loss is inevitable, survival is essential. It is within human capacity to make it even when the odds are against us. It is all about building that muscle of rising up when life knocks us down. As long as we do not give up on ourselves, tomorrow will always be better than yesterday.
In the end when it comes down to me and you, we will win some…and lose some.
I just hope that we always find enough strength to start all over again.